Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Autopsy Results

Our dreaded appointment with the cardiologist, going over the autopsy results. Well it was NOT a dreaded appt. after all, it was refreshing as refreshing could be for such what it was. Dr. Puchalski, I absolutely love that man, he is the complete opposite from what I remember our first visit to be. I reached out to shake his hand, he said no, pulled me to him and gave me the biggest and tightest hug I have ever received from a doctor, besides my sister. He said, I am so glad you guys decided to come in, I think its good to get closure, we couldn't have agreed more.
The words on the 9 pages were a bit bigger than my vocabulary can handle.

Long story short it was not exactly what the in utero diagnosis was. Orginally they thought she had the left ventricle, a common atrium, aortic atresia and she had fluid that came and went around her lungs. Well the findings were that she had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS), total anomalous pulmonary venous connection (TAPVC) and 7 other defects with her heart. In additon this sweet baby had Pulmonary lymphangiectasia which in english translates to dilation of the lymphatics in the lungs. I was overwhelmed with the amount of issues with her heart and both Steve and I felt relieved when we left there knowing that her passing was by far the best thing for her. I couldn't imagine her quality of life being that of which I had only dreamed about. She now has the perfect life, one that we only dream about.

We are so sad to not have Avery with us today and everyday, as the weather gets nicer and the days pass by......all I get to do is imagine what she would look like today, what she would be accomplishing and the fun times she would be having with her brothers who adore her even though she is not here in person.

A wonderful friend who had lost here son to SIDS a short time ago, brought us over 3 piggy banks for each of the boys. She said that each time you see money on the ground that is Avery saying hello to you. The little boys think that is the cutest thing and everytime they spot money, I hear them say...Avery is saying hi! It may or may not be true but for some reason before we got the banks..I told my friend that I kept finding dimes everywhere I went lately..and now we are believing she really is saying hello to us. A simple tender thing that puts smiles on our faces and in our hearts. The simple things make the hard things seem much easier to bear. I for one always try to see the bright side of things and make the most of any situation, this one has been the most challenging to accept but I believe that acceptance is part of my journey. I will learn acceptance graciously today.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Heaven on Earth

I love my new blog background! A friend of mine sent it to me and said it was as though it was made for Avery. I couldn't agree more. She is my special angel and I am sure she is watching out and protecting all of us. I have been asked by many to post a pic of my pink hair, my special tribute to Avery. As my world is filled with minimal amounts of pink I thought I would put some in my hair as a constant reminder of the little angel girl I have waiting for me in heaven. Its a little piece of heaven on earth.

Not everyday is heaven on earth for me, there are days were my heart explodes with such emotion I can hardly think before my eyes are filled with tears. I sometimes feel my heart in my throat. Mother's Day was one of those days. I was really quite happy then I got a flood of sadness, then joy, then I was fine. That was kind of how it went all day long. I knew it was going to be that way, I was prepared, I accepted it and I was happy to be able to experience another process of the grief. But I had a special helper that day as well and it wasn't my wonderful children or husband, it was my Heavenly Father, who lead so many people to me that day. Whether it was a warm Happy Mother's Day hug from a great friend, a wonderful box of chocolate truffles and a card from my neighbor, a lovely post on Facebook from my teenage son, to a thoughtful friend who anonymously left the most beautiful story about Avery and a single rose or a visit to the cemetery with my husband and children. I am grateful for what is was, as it could have been worse seeing it was my first without my Avery in my arms.

To all you wonderful mothers remember our children are on loan to us from our Heavenly Father and are mission here is to raise them and prepare them for life so that they can someday live again with him. Do your best everyday with them, they will make you proud one day. Hope your Mother's Day was as lovely as you all are.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Touched by an Angel

Yesterday I felt the need to go to the cemetery to just sit, be still and enjoy whatever it was that needed to be. It was a semi overcast day, a bit windy but still nice. I had an arrangement someone made for me to take to Avery's grave and last week the headstone was set so off I go for my first real visit. I had a truly amazing experience there, one I am sure I will never forget but wanted to document it anyway.

As most of you know, I am a sun lover, not fanatic just love the heat and sunshine whenever I can get it, which hasn't been much lately in Heber. I walk to the grave and its still a tad overcast, I am there for a few minutes and a ray of sunshine just embraces me with warmth, I look up to offer my gratitude, I relax on the green grass, looking up at the heavens and it begins to sprinkle on me, ever so lightly as if someone is crying. I sit with that for a moment and it stops literally in less than two minutes. I was crying and so where the heavens. I knew she was there but sometimes I am a slow learner. My family and I are making a small garden in our yard as atribute to Avery (along with my pink hair) and we are going to buy butterflies and lady bugs to release when its all complete. My boys think that is so cool. So I am still sitting there and I feel this hair down my shirt, I ignore it and then I feel it moving, can't ignore that anymore, so I look down and in my shirt is a ladybug. I looked up and said, "thank you thank you Avery for letting me know you are there, your ok and the confirmation that life is eternal. I was crying tears of joy but yet I felt as though I needed to share and be comforted by this experience. I was planning to go to my friends house but as I drove by my own home my husband's truck was there and he is never home at 2:30 in the afternooon. I went inside to find his loving arms, a perfect ending to a perfect experience.

This experience which I have been praying for over the past 8 weeks was all I wanted to validate my need to know Our Sweet Avery Ann was watching over us and waiting for our arrival someday. I know that this earthly life is only a short part of our journey but the confirmation I received made me believe it in my heart as well as my mind.