Monday, September 21, 2009

The end or the beginning of a new blogging experience!

I am not sure that I want to say that I am closing Avery's blog, but I don't want to post on it anymore. I feel like she is part of our family and this blog was to document her personal journey specifically, so I am inviting any of you who wish to continue to read about her on our family blog. Its nothing particular, I just don' t want to have 2 blogs to update. I feel like she is a part of our family and my feelings, dates of rememberance, etc. should be included in our family blog. I know you will all understand and quite frankly I am sure I will post more.

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Sunday, July 19, 2009

Angels, Gardens and Butterflies

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Wow its been a while since I have posted, even with all this rain I still have not had much time to be on the computer. I think I made up for it when I was pregnant in the winter. Not that summer has arrived yet here in Heber but the rain does cease enough each day for me to venture to my gardens. I did square foot gardening this year and I sure am proud of my 3 little gardens, they do get plenty of water yet, the sunshine has been not so helpful lately. I also designated a small area in my yard as Avery's Garden. I planted lots of flowers that many of you have given to me, some bleeding heart, gerber daisies (my favorite), really a lot but they are not blooming as quickly as I would like, I was never blessed with an abundance of patience, and therefore I have yet to take a picture of it...but I thought who cares, I can take a pre summer and post summer pic. I wanted to order butterflies and ladybug off the internet but since its been raining so much, I decided I better wait a bit so they won't go seeking a better home.
Well in the meantime they have been coming to me everywhere I go. I see a Monarch Butterfly everyday almost and it doesn't matter where I am, California, baseball game, cemetery, friends house....butterflies come to me to say or should I say Avery comes to say hi all the time. My boys love it sometimes they just yell out, HI Avery! I hope its her way of telling us she is still so present. Lately I have been soooooooooooooooooooooooo longing for her to be around. I now understand when other moms says its like a roller coaster sometimes it just hits you and you never saw it coming. Well that is where I am now, much more emotional than I usually am and I am just trying to get through it with every emotion I receive.
I received a beautiful poem on Mother's Day, that I want to share, I don't have any idea who gave it to me but it is so lovely, I am sure you will agree. As I read through it again, of course I am full of tears, so be prepared.
Among those who could design the brightest and most beautiful flowers, of the students first to answer all the questions in school, Avery Ann was known as the most gifted. If Father wanted to find her, however, he always looked for the child who needed help the most that day. There, he was sure to find Avery helping with a homework assignment or telling stories about their Eldest Brother’s life of love. Today Father found her in art class, helping a little boy turn his paint smeared canvas into a masterpiece.

“Avery,” Father said, “It’s almost time.”

Avery handed the paintbrush back to the boy and followed Father out into the garden. “I’m ready,” she said.

“There’s something you need to know, “Father said, sitting on a stone bench beneath a willow tree. “You have done well here, so well that all you need for exaltation is to gain a body. Your spirit is so sweet and pure that your heart would hurt to see some of the things that happen on earth. So your mission to earth, my dear, will not be a long one.”

Avery knelt on the grass near Father and put her head on her chin. “My mother and father have waited for me so long. They will be so sad. Can’t you make there be a different way?” Father rested his hand on her head. “A long time ago, when your Elder Brother knelt in the Gethsemane, he asked a similar question. I didn’t like seeing him suffer, and I don’t like seeing your family sad either, but there are some things you will not understand for a while. What you must understand though, is that your Elder Brother and I love all of you.” Avery looked up at Father and nodded. “I know. And I know you will be there to help us.”

On another day, Father stood in the garden waiting. Avery ran into his arms and he held her as she told about her mission. “I’m so glad I got to see my mom and dad. My mom is so beautiful and good and my dad is so strong and kind. Do you think they know how much I love them?” Father looked into Avery’s eyes. “Very soon, my dear one, you will have the chance to tell them every day. In the millennium, when the earth is more like this world, they will have their opportunity to raise you. Until then, though, I want you to help me leave them love notes. Will you help me remind them of your love and of mine?

Avery’s smile was brighter than the flowers around her. “I like that idea. Where can we leave the notes?”

“They will be hidden everywhere~in the comfort of the scriptures, in the prayers of those that love them, in the peace of the temple. And when they are ready, your mom and dad will comfort others. Each smile they receive will be you smiling back at them. “Father swept his hand to the flowers in the garden around them. “And the flowers that bloom there will be the flowers you design here, each one a gift of love from us.”

Avery ran for the art room, pulled out a canvas and some paints, then started painting flowers. “These are for you Mom,” she whispered. I will see you soon!”
Soon is sometimes just not soon enough, I miss my sweet baby girl!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Memorial day has new meaning!

I never knew what Memorial Day was for, except that it was a holiday and no school or work had to be done! Well now I know and will continue to honor that special day in a very new way. We decided to stay close to home over the weekend to be near Avery and celebrate if you will, the day of Memories. It was a day of remembering, of mourning, of sorrow, of gladness, of beauty, all together. The cemetery was absolutely breathtaking, the flags, flowers, balloons, wreaths, people, blue sky and sunshine only added to the beauty. In the past, every time I visit the cemetery I feel peaceful and connected but this time, I didn't, it was more of a celebratory event for some reason. We celebrated the small amount of memories we have about Avery there. The boys were running around looking at the headstones and decorations and were acting as if they were at a party it was surreal, that is what the ambiance felt like that day for us all. I have to say it was better than I expected however, not all days are like this. Last weekend we were having a garage sale and a friend of a friends was trying to pay for something and I said, I will hold your baby for you. She handed her to me and my friend said how old is she and she said, she was born March 1st...well I just started to bawl, it hit me out of no where. I hold babies all the time and NEVER do I get emotional, it was just too close to how old Avery would have been and it was a sad memory of what I don't have right now. I wish so badly to have her in my arms today and everyday but I know that wasn't the plan for her nor I. For now I hold close the memories and mementos I have of her. I love you sweet Avery Ann and you will never be a distant memory.
My sweet, precious baby girl
Why you had to leave me nobody knows
I wish I could be with you to hug and to hold
And eventually watch you grow old
My heart aches each and every day
Wondering what you would be doing today
If only I could kiss your face
It would make my heart be in a better place
But I know the day will come
When holding you will never be done!
I wrote this poem about a month ago in remembrance of Avery!

As the weather gets nicer, I find myself less and less on the computer so forgive me for not posting more.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Autopsy Results

Our dreaded appointment with the cardiologist, going over the autopsy results. Well it was NOT a dreaded appt. after all, it was refreshing as refreshing could be for such what it was. Dr. Puchalski, I absolutely love that man, he is the complete opposite from what I remember our first visit to be. I reached out to shake his hand, he said no, pulled me to him and gave me the biggest and tightest hug I have ever received from a doctor, besides my sister. He said, I am so glad you guys decided to come in, I think its good to get closure, we couldn't have agreed more.
The words on the 9 pages were a bit bigger than my vocabulary can handle.

Long story short it was not exactly what the in utero diagnosis was. Orginally they thought she had the left ventricle, a common atrium, aortic atresia and she had fluid that came and went around her lungs. Well the findings were that she had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS), total anomalous pulmonary venous connection (TAPVC) and 7 other defects with her heart. In additon this sweet baby had Pulmonary lymphangiectasia which in english translates to dilation of the lymphatics in the lungs. I was overwhelmed with the amount of issues with her heart and both Steve and I felt relieved when we left there knowing that her passing was by far the best thing for her. I couldn't imagine her quality of life being that of which I had only dreamed about. She now has the perfect life, one that we only dream about.

We are so sad to not have Avery with us today and everyday, as the weather gets nicer and the days pass by......all I get to do is imagine what she would look like today, what she would be accomplishing and the fun times she would be having with her brothers who adore her even though she is not here in person.

A wonderful friend who had lost here son to SIDS a short time ago, brought us over 3 piggy banks for each of the boys. She said that each time you see money on the ground that is Avery saying hello to you. The little boys think that is the cutest thing and everytime they spot money, I hear them say...Avery is saying hi! It may or may not be true but for some reason before we got the banks..I told my friend that I kept finding dimes everywhere I went lately..and now we are believing she really is saying hello to us. A simple tender thing that puts smiles on our faces and in our hearts. The simple things make the hard things seem much easier to bear. I for one always try to see the bright side of things and make the most of any situation, this one has been the most challenging to accept but I believe that acceptance is part of my journey. I will learn acceptance graciously today.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Heaven on Earth

I love my new blog background! A friend of mine sent it to me and said it was as though it was made for Avery. I couldn't agree more. She is my special angel and I am sure she is watching out and protecting all of us. I have been asked by many to post a pic of my pink hair, my special tribute to Avery. As my world is filled with minimal amounts of pink I thought I would put some in my hair as a constant reminder of the little angel girl I have waiting for me in heaven. Its a little piece of heaven on earth.

Not everyday is heaven on earth for me, there are days were my heart explodes with such emotion I can hardly think before my eyes are filled with tears. I sometimes feel my heart in my throat. Mother's Day was one of those days. I was really quite happy then I got a flood of sadness, then joy, then I was fine. That was kind of how it went all day long. I knew it was going to be that way, I was prepared, I accepted it and I was happy to be able to experience another process of the grief. But I had a special helper that day as well and it wasn't my wonderful children or husband, it was my Heavenly Father, who lead so many people to me that day. Whether it was a warm Happy Mother's Day hug from a great friend, a wonderful box of chocolate truffles and a card from my neighbor, a lovely post on Facebook from my teenage son, to a thoughtful friend who anonymously left the most beautiful story about Avery and a single rose or a visit to the cemetery with my husband and children. I am grateful for what is was, as it could have been worse seeing it was my first without my Avery in my arms.

To all you wonderful mothers remember our children are on loan to us from our Heavenly Father and are mission here is to raise them and prepare them for life so that they can someday live again with him. Do your best everyday with them, they will make you proud one day. Hope your Mother's Day was as lovely as you all are.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Touched by an Angel

Yesterday I felt the need to go to the cemetery to just sit, be still and enjoy whatever it was that needed to be. It was a semi overcast day, a bit windy but still nice. I had an arrangement someone made for me to take to Avery's grave and last week the headstone was set so off I go for my first real visit. I had a truly amazing experience there, one I am sure I will never forget but wanted to document it anyway.

As most of you know, I am a sun lover, not fanatic just love the heat and sunshine whenever I can get it, which hasn't been much lately in Heber. I walk to the grave and its still a tad overcast, I am there for a few minutes and a ray of sunshine just embraces me with warmth, I look up to offer my gratitude, I relax on the green grass, looking up at the heavens and it begins to sprinkle on me, ever so lightly as if someone is crying. I sit with that for a moment and it stops literally in less than two minutes. I was crying and so where the heavens. I knew she was there but sometimes I am a slow learner. My family and I are making a small garden in our yard as atribute to Avery (along with my pink hair) and we are going to buy butterflies and lady bugs to release when its all complete. My boys think that is so cool. So I am still sitting there and I feel this hair down my shirt, I ignore it and then I feel it moving, can't ignore that anymore, so I look down and in my shirt is a ladybug. I looked up and said, "thank you thank you Avery for letting me know you are there, your ok and the confirmation that life is eternal. I was crying tears of joy but yet I felt as though I needed to share and be comforted by this experience. I was planning to go to my friends house but as I drove by my own home my husband's truck was there and he is never home at 2:30 in the afternooon. I went inside to find his loving arms, a perfect ending to a perfect experience.

This experience which I have been praying for over the past 8 weeks was all I wanted to validate my need to know Our Sweet Avery Ann was watching over us and waiting for our arrival someday. I know that this earthly life is only a short part of our journey but the confirmation I received made me believe it in my heart as well as my mind.