My Children!

This weekend we went over to Grandma and Grandpa's house and on the way home Kaden (my 4 year old) was sitting next to me in the truck and he was looking down, I asked him what was wrong he said, "I am sad, I miss Avery." That of course made me sad. Later that night for family prayer, Colton (my 6 year old) volunteered to say the prayer. He was so reverant, something he isn't usually, he folded his arms and bowed his head so preciously. He gave about a 2 minute non stop prayer all about Avery. I so wish I had a recorder as it was so touching to hear his deepest, most sincere thought about her. He has been the only one that hasn't been very vocal about how he feels or felt about her passing.

So Steve and I are sitting here tonight trying to remember what he said in his prayer. He repeated a lot of the same things but he must have needed to do, it was his way of processing. Here is what we remember of the prayer...........

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this day, thank you for Avery, we miss her, we love her very much, we wish you didn't have to die, we know she is with Jesus~he loves her very much, I wish I could play with her, we know we will be with her, we wish she could stay here and live with us, we know she can see us but we can't see her....as I said, he repeated some of the same things over and over again but it truly was heartfelt and genuine.

My children have taught me so many things in my life, lessons I would have never had without them. Even Avery who was here for such a small amount of time, has made me a better person, a better mother, a better friend, a better everything. I am grateful I am still able to learn each and everyday something that will further my progress in this life. I thank you my children!

Avery's name in the Sand

Avery Ann Hallows
March 10, 2009 she was born into heaven
Heber City, Utah
Our Sweet Angel Avery Ann
You flew into our life for a brief moment but touched our hearts forever.
We include you in our daily life and even though we aren't physically with you today
We rejoice in the knowledge that someday we will all be together again.
Until we meet again, fly on fly on Sweet Avery Ann

Thank you, Thank you all!

I know this is not the most appropriate way to thank you all for the outpouring of love, support, calls, visits, cards, flowers, gifts, pictures, books and delicious food we have received. It truly is amazing to see this in a community. I often times felt embarrassed at the amount of help and support we we received. I am not used to so much attention either. I absolutely felt more love than I ever felt before in my entire life. The selfless acts of giving were just what we needed during such a time.

What a blessing it is to friends and family who love you so much and to have the comfort of my Heavenly Father who has not left my side during this entire time. Most of the time, I feel life I am almost enveloped in a cloak that shields me from anything not healthy, not safe, or not uplifting. I now understand the true meaning of the poem, "Footprints". That has been my favorite poem since before I can remember and now to see it benefit me in my greatest needs today is absolutely a testimony of the pure love of Christ.

Today I am full of gratitude for all that has been done for our family, all you continue to help us with, your love, support and friendship. You all have been an example to me of genuine service. Thank you again!

One month ago.......today!

March 10, 2009 was an exciting day that turned into by far the worst day of my life. The girl that I have been wanting all my life was finally here, she came fast and furious and I was so excited to have given birth to her with absolutely no pain meds (till after birth) and no epidural, something I wanted to do for her safety and my quick recovery. I saw her for just a brief moment after she came out then not again until my little girl was in the NICU with wires and tubes and more people around her than I cared to ever see. I was able to put my finger in her hand for a few moments and that was the first and last time I was able to do that. I feel cheated and saddened that my life long desire for a girl was now nothing but a depressing bad dream. I try not to ask why and accept what is but some days I find myself questioning more than others. I am not sure if I am still numb or just simply healing but I have strength, peace and comfort most of the time. I was anxious to get on with my new normal life (not cooking though) and start to be a mother and wife again. Its been easier than I imagined. If every day I have a good cry, I release the grief and can move on with life. Its simply not what I thought it would be like....I know that my Heavenly Father has some extra special something for me and general conference Oh my I thought that was all sooooooooooooooo applicable. I expected that blessing, I needed it!

I often thought able not keeping this blog going after what happened but, I had a change of heart, if nothing else its therapy for me to write out whatever it is that I was feeling especially this first year. I want to never forget that 7 lb. 11 oz. busy baby that was inside of me for 9 months. My little boys have been so sweet and so forthcoming with whatever thought comes to their minds about Avery. Kaden is 4 years old and he has been doing the best with all this, everytime he sees me with no clothes on, he says "Avery misses your tummy, Mommy." Then the other day he said, "do you think Avery gave that yellow flower on her hat to Jesus?" My 6 year old Colton has had a very hard time articulating his words about Avery. On our way home from St. George this week, he was drawing a stick figure with Angel wings and said that was Avery. Then he asked me if we can make a baby that will live? Today he said he wanted to die so that he could go and live with Avery. That was heartbreaking for me to hear, I can so relate to these innocent, pondering thoughts as I have had them myself.

Last week I had the pleasure of meeting 3 other heart moms, 2 from Arizona, Liz and Heidi and Gracie's mom, Michele. We had instant love and connection, we sat and talked at a restaurant for 5 hours, it was a joyous time, uplifting conversation, so natural and no tears...expect I teared up when they gave me a gorgeous necklace with Avery's picture on it, I have worn it everyday as I feel like she is close to my heart always, Kaden and Austin haven't taken theirs off either.
I am grateful for people like them who have suffered a loss but still reach out to help and comfort others despite their own grief. I hope I can somehow pay that forward one day.


I feel like I have been rambling but I don't care...its out, its documented and it is what it is!