March 10, 2009 was an exciting day that turned into by far the worst day of my life. The girl that I have been wanting all my life was finally here, she came fast and furious and I was so excited to have given birth to her with absolutely no pain meds (till after birth) and no epidural, something I wanted to do for her safety and my quick recovery. I saw her for just a brief moment after she came out then not again until my little girl was in the NICU with wires and tubes and more people around her than I cared to ever see. I was able to put my finger in her hand for a few moments and that was the first and last time I was able to do that. I feel cheated and saddened that my life long desire for a girl was now nothing but a depressing bad dream. I try not to ask why and accept what is but some days I find myself questioning more than others. I am not sure if I am still numb or just simply healing but I have strength, peace and comfort most of the time. I was anxious to get on with my new normal life (not cooking though) and start to be a mother and wife again. Its been easier than I imagined. If every day I have a good cry, I release the grief and can move on with life. Its simply not what I thought it would be like....I know that my Heavenly Father has some extra special something for me and general conference Oh my I thought that was all sooooooooooooooo applicable. I expected that blessing, I needed it!
I often thought able not keeping this blog going after what happened but, I had a change of heart, if nothing else its therapy for me to write out whatever it is that I was feeling especially this first year. I want to never forget that 7 lb. 11 oz. busy baby that was inside of me for 9 months. My little boys have been so sweet and so forthcoming with whatever thought comes to their minds about Avery. Kaden is 4 years old and he has been doing the best with all this, everytime he sees me with no clothes on, he says "Avery misses your tummy, Mommy." Then the other day he said, "do you think Avery gave that yellow flower on her hat to Jesus?" My 6 year old Colton has had a very hard time articulating his words about Avery. On our way home from St. George this week, he was drawing a stick figure with Angel wings and said that was Avery. Then he asked me if we can make a baby that will live? Today he said he wanted to die so that he could go and live with Avery. That was heartbreaking for me to hear, I can so relate to these innocent, pondering thoughts as I have had them myself.
Last week I had the pleasure of meeting 3 other heart moms, 2 from Arizona, Liz and Heidi and Gracie's mom, Michele. We had instant love and connection, we sat and talked at a restaurant for 5 hours, it was a joyous time, uplifting conversation, so natural and no tears...expect I teared up when they gave me a gorgeous necklace with Avery's picture on it, I have worn it everyday as I feel like she is close to my heart always, Kaden and Austin haven't taken theirs off either.
I am grateful for people like them who have suffered a loss but still reach out to help and comfort others despite their own grief. I hope I can somehow pay that forward one day.
I feel like I have been rambling but I don't care...its out, its documented and it is what it is!
Disney World 2017
7 years ago
I love this. Please continue to share your journey. I love the ability of writing to express thoughts and document where you are at at the moment. Avery will not be forgotten. This is a sad one month anniversary for you all, but I look to Avery's short time here as sweet blessing. Love to your whole family!
ReplyDeleteI too, love this blog. I look at many times during the day; I look at the pictures and remember. My heart is very heavy too but it doesn't compare to your heart, Steve's heart and the hearts of your three sweet boys. I ask why each day and the message is always the same; "Be still and know that I am God" The pain of knowing you and your family are hurting hurts me so deeply that I walk around in a fog alot. My prayer has been the same since March 10th; "Father please help us heal and get thru this very sad time" My sweet daughter you are an amazing woman and every day I am in awe of your strength, love and understanding of God's Will.
ReplyDeleteLove, Mom
Thank you for sharing such personal feelings. I've been checking back often to see how you are doing. We've never met, but I've been drawn to you and your family since before your sweet Avery was born. My sister too lost a daughter 11 years ago to HLHS, and I guess I have a special place in my heart for "heart families". Take care, and know that many prayers are said on behalf of your family.
ReplyDeleteLiz
p.s. My daughter is named Leah. I love that name!
Leah, I am so glad you posted and hope you will continue to do so. I know you aren't just numb, but God is with you, His angels are with you, the Spirit is with you...all to help you heal, to get you through the day and remind you that you are never alone. It is good to hear from you, to cry with you, hope with you, even if it is only through a blog. It's so hard to understand all of this...all that we are meant to face, feel, experience, but it's all for a better purpose and never forget God loves you and Avery is close by, always. I thought of you a lot during conference, like so much of it was meant for you...I am certain of that. My love, thoughts and prayers are with you always!
ReplyDeleteYou can ramble all you want! It's good to hear what you are thinking. I'm glad you're doing well, and your kids are just kids, they'll understand it all one day. Kids are so cute, i love the things they say, even if it breaks your heart, it's nice to know they care and are getting some of what's going on. We are always thinking of you so keep the blog, we love to see how you are!
ReplyDeleteWow Leah,
ReplyDeleteIt is always so inspiring to read about such strength during the most difficult times. I'm glad you enjoyed a vacation.
Melissa
Leah, Listen to Elder Hollands talk again. It was so wonderful, and a great reminder or our Saviors Love. We love you and your family, and our hearts are broken with you!
ReplyDeleteAlisha
You simply amaze me with your strength! I am so glad that you have continued your blog. I think that it will benefit you as well as many others that are facing similar challenges.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Jackie
Hey you. It's okay to ask why and be angry and scream and punch pillows if that's what it takes to make it through just one more day. Life's not fair, it sucks sometimes BUT it does go on, thankfully. I think of you SO often and can't wait for another marathon dinner. You are often on my mind and I hope you are beginning to have more good hours/days! Love you!
ReplyDeleteHi Leah!! Good for you! Great post, adn I agree, keep them coming. They are GREAT therapy, and really appreciate your honesty. I know how you feel about your sweet kiddos. I can't answer some of my kids questions, because I have the same ones! Thanks for the amazing dinner! That was so great and I really am glad you made it home (even a day later!). Love ya, girlie!!
ReplyDeleteLeah, you looked amazing at church yesterday. It was good to see you and I'll have to sit by you in Relief Society sometime so we can chat.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are keeping up with the blog. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I think of you often and continue to pray for you.
Leah,
ReplyDeleteSo glad to see you on this page again. I have checked more times than you can imagine, hoping you would say something so that those of us who worry and love and want to support you have permission to say something back. I am still counting on our end of April girl's night. You pick the day. Much love to you.
Mindi
Leah,
ReplyDeleteI have thought of you often and it was nice to see you post. I wish I could take this pain away for you as I know my experience of that first year of Hope's passing was like. Every day was a new challenge in trying to find a new normal and to make sense of my feelings. It seemed like those waves of emotions were so big and intense and just when I would get centered again another would pass over me and there was so many times I felt like I was drowning. Now that it's been almost 9 years, I am grateful for the time factor because it does help soften the intense feeling, but YOU never forget nor would you want too.
Hip Hip Horray for those others that are helping to sustain you! I look forward to getting to have some time with you too.
(HUGS)
Leah, Thank you for sharing. I'm saddened to hear of your loss. I saw Avery's photo on the angel blog. It's interesting how bereaved parents not only grieve for the loss of our children but we grieve for their futures and all of the things they won't be doing with us in the years to come. May God grant you moments of peace throughout your day.
ReplyDeleteHey Leah!
ReplyDeleteMy butt still hurts from those hard chairs at Macaroni Grill! :) What, five hours we were there? Let's do it again!! I am glad you posted. I think of you often and hope you are hangin in there. Call me anytime. Those necklaces really were incredible. Your boys sound so sweet. Hopefully these experiences will make our kids better more empathetic people.